Jealousy, the green eyed monster.

I have not had a whole lot of experience with being a jealous person, I don’t know why.

maybe I’m always keeping myself so busy I might not have time to think about it, or it could be that the people I’m sourounded with have nothing in my opinion to be jealous of.

I wish I could say that the same holds true for the company I keep, but unfortunatly that is not the case.

I never meant to be what they see as being holier then thou, I assure you if I am in anyway close to perfection it was not by my choice but because of those who pushed me to my outer limits, and I assure you it was never meant for my own good that they did so.

Let me see where do I start:

I am not a gourmet chef that’s for sure, but because I’ve been picked on most my life by my parents for not being a domestic I learned to cook better than my mother because I bought a bunch of recipe books and got all creative with it, even taking her recipes and adding a little bit of spice to the concoction.

I soon began to be able to take care of a family and a household in my early teens and all with a smile on my face thinking that this is what was expected of me and completely normal for my age. huh little did I know no one was doing what I was doing at my age, I was also raising my little brother too’ . I think all the orders and demands on me were meant to break me somehow, but I had not known it at the time, but anyway in the end the better I got at these small things the more my mother became jealous. Some of the other little girls my age who found their parents comparing notes and using me as an example of how to be. Bummer not a friend in the world as a result.

Hmm, looks.

Now that I don’t really consider myself responsible for either because it’s not me that made them, anyway my mother has some good genes from her mom, but unfortunatly she didin’t get them, and really to top it all off I don’t really come from such a culture that produces the prettiest people like the ones from Denmark and Iceland and places like that. So my point is that if your decent looking around people who are less so in one way or another this is an issue, most of the women I knew would become jealous of the male attension I would get including mother of course,but my therapist told me that this it’s very common for moms to be that jealose of their daughters. How sad.

Then I had my son who was born an ace in school, you could tell he was smart and had a lot going for him way before he got himself into UC Berkeley, he was the only one in the family who ever got into collage and this aroused a lot of jealousy too. Uh what can anyone ever do about these things?, I think nothing, and I also think that when people are jealous it can be dangerous and they will attack. Anyway I don’t think of the first to realize this I just saw a movie the other night could voices or something, it was a chinese film in subtitles basically saying that wihout realizing it we kill the ones we are jealous of. How sad we attack rather than become inspired.

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Intrusive thoughts. I remember

I remember everything,

My pills keep me in denile.

My son was bullied and I could not protect him, I was bullied and I could not protect myself.

I know I did my best but it obviously was not good enough.

I’m so sorry Cody I wish I could have done a better job. I tried to get away I swear onall I hold sacred whatever I did did’nt work I don’t know why. I’m so sorry.

Joel Osteen. In God we trust.

I went out tonight to see Joel Osteen in Miami.

I have to say that he say’s things that really stick with me, I’m sure he has the same impact on others too’.

Well anyway, trust was not the topic, but some things he said made trust issues with God come to mind for me and I did realize that I guess I do in fact have at my core trust issues with God. I mean if I feel confident that there is an afterlife would I cry or be as depressed as I get from time to time, well, more than time to time I think it’s there always only I don’t always show it.

I had a dream about my Cody a few nights ago and he told me that he’s alive and after three days God woke him up and he’s fine.

There were a million signs of an afterlife for me, but we as people tend to write it off with some sort of logical explination even though I claim myself as being a spiritual person. Hmm, maybe I’m a bit of a hypocrit. I think for the next few days I’m going to work on thinking about all this and then work on my trust issues.

I don’t speak to my parents.

I have nothing to say to them.

I think I’m so upset with them that I don’t even feel the anger and dissapointment anymore, it’s as if I’ve become immune to it.

They could have done more to help me keep him alive, that’s all I have to say about it.

Even now they still don’t care and I’m ok with that.

I’ve lost my voice!. Silence is golden.

IMG_1040IMG_1039IMG_1038IMG_1036IMG_1035IMG_1037I stopped talking, I realize how silent I’ve been since the loss of my boy.

I used to sing, some people told me I sound like Anne Murry or Patsy Cline, now nothing can come out I don’t even sing by accident.

I used to talk a bunch probibly too much, if I wasin’t bitching, moaning or complaining I was expressing ideas, philosophy and books I’ve read and learned from, but now only an ache of a voice comes out so I’m quiet, but strangely how I express myself has come out in other ways, I’ve started gardening, painting and obviously blogging.

What used to come out of my mouth in the past now seems to be coming out of my hands. Besides when I used to talk I believe no one ever listend.

I’ve even tried mosiac stuff in the garden. I guess it’s good to keep busy.

Here’s some of my paintings tell me what you think?

No way Jose, no shades of gray.

Even though the doctor said that my son might be retarted she was as wrong as anyone could be, my Cody was bright, charming and very intelligent, the only trouble was I think he saw no shades of gray in relationships, he gave no one any slack for their actions, situations were either black or white. His IQ levels were way above average.

He achieved a lot of recongnition for is intellect and determintation and that how he ended up at UC Berkeley one of the best collages in the USA.

OMG, I miss him so much, Jesus Christ help me.

Reality Bites. Who’s reality is correct ?

re·al·i·ty
/rēˈalətē/Noun
1.The world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them: “he refuses to face reality”.
2.A thing that is actually experienced or seen, esp. when this is grim or problematic: “the harsh realities of life”.

Synonyms
actuality – fact – truth – verity

Isin’t this the reality of our troubles,? I think we all have a different idea of what is in fact reality. We all put a different spin on things don’t we?.

Thats pretty much the trouble that I’ve had in most of my relationships especially with my son Cody.

My version of the truth:

We can work it out Cody.

Your a wonderful person Cody.

Your gifted and have talent.

Your very handsom and smart.

Your a wonderful writer.

You play the guitar beautifully.

Your a star in the class room.

You can really do something with your life.

The reality I worry about.

My son needs to be protected.

He’s easily influenced.

His expectations of people are too high.

I may have raised him wrong.

I’m going to loose him.

He’s view of situations seem distorted to me.

He missinterprets his invirement

He see’s things in black and white with no shades of gray.

He Lies.

He thinks only of himself he has no feeling for others, and he can’t help it.

He’s gifted nevertheless it just needs to be directed.

Codys version of the truth:

My mother is my enemy trying to sabotage me.

I’m ugly.

No one likes me or loves me.

There’s something wrong with me.

My life is not worth living.

I hate everything about myself.

My mother is in denile.

I wish I was dead, it’s my life and I should be able to do what I want with it without anyone or anything trying to stop me.