Jealousy, the green eyed monster.

I have not had a whole lot of experience with being a jealous person, I don’t know why.

maybe I’m always keeping myself so busy I might not have time to think about it, or it could be that the people I’m sourounded with have nothing in my opinion to be jealous of.

I wish I could say that the same holds true for the company I keep, but unfortunatly that is not the case.

I never meant to be what they see as being holier then thou, I assure you if I am in anyway close to perfection it was not by my choice but because of those who pushed me to my outer limits, and I assure you it was never meant for my own good that they did so.

Let me see where do I start:

I am not a gourmet chef that’s for sure, but because I’ve been picked on most my life by my parents for not being a domestic I learned to cook better than my mother because I bought a bunch of recipe books and got all creative with it, even taking her recipes and adding a little bit of spice to the concoction.

I soon began to be able to take care of a family and a household in my early teens and all with a smile on my face thinking that this is what was expected of me and completely normal for my age. huh little did I know no one was doing what I was doing at my age, I was also raising my little brother too’ . I think all the orders and demands on me were meant to break me somehow, but I had not known it at the time, but anyway in the end the better I got at these small things the more my mother became jealous. Some of the other little girls my age who found their parents comparing notes and using me as an example of how to be. Bummer not a friend in the world as a result.

Hmm, looks.

Now that I don’t really consider myself responsible for either because it’s not me that made them, anyway my mother has some good genes from her mom, but unfortunatly she didin’t get them, and really to top it all off I don’t really come from such a culture that produces the prettiest people like the ones from Denmark and Iceland and places like that. So my point is that if your decent looking around people who are less so in one way or another this is an issue, most of the women I knew would become jealous of the male attension I would get including mother of course,but my therapist told me that this it’s very common for moms to be that jealose of their daughters. How sad.

Then I had my son who was born an ace in school, you could tell he was smart and had a lot going for him way before he got himself into UC Berkeley, he was the only one in the family who ever got into collage and this aroused a lot of jealousy too. Uh what can anyone ever do about these things?, I think nothing, and I also think that when people are jealous it can be dangerous and they will attack. Anyway I don’t think of the first to realize this I just saw a movie the other night could voices or something, it was a chinese film in subtitles basically saying that wihout realizing it we kill the ones we are jealous of. How sad we attack rather than become inspired.

Intrusive thoughts. I remember

I remember everything,

My pills keep me in denile.

My son was bullied and I could not protect him, I was bullied and I could not protect myself.

I know I did my best but it obviously was not good enough.

I’m so sorry Cody I wish I could have done a better job. I tried to get away I swear onall I hold sacred whatever I did did’nt work I don’t know why. I’m so sorry.

Joel Osteen. In God we trust.

I went out tonight to see Joel Osteen in Miami.

I have to say that he say’s things that really stick with me, I’m sure he has the same impact on others too’.

Well anyway, trust was not the topic, but some things he said made trust issues with God come to mind for me and I did realize that I guess I do in fact have at my core trust issues with God. I mean if I feel confident that there is an afterlife would I cry or be as depressed as I get from time to time, well, more than time to time I think it’s there always only I don’t always show it.

I had a dream about my Cody a few nights ago and he told me that he’s alive and after three days God woke him up and he’s fine.

There were a million signs of an afterlife for me, but we as people tend to write it off with some sort of logical explination even though I claim myself as being a spiritual person. Hmm, maybe I’m a bit of a hypocrit. I think for the next few days I’m going to work on thinking about all this and then work on my trust issues.

I don’t speak to my parents.

I have nothing to say to them.

I think I’m so upset with them that I don’t even feel the anger and dissapointment anymore, it’s as if I’ve become immune to it.

They could have done more to help me keep him alive, that’s all I have to say about it.

Even now they still don’t care and I’m ok with that.

I’ve lost my voice!. Silence is golden.

I stopped talking, I realize how silent I’ve been since the loss of my boy.

I used to sing, some people told me I sound like Anne Murry or Patsy Cline, now nothing can come out I don’t even sing by accident.

I used to talk a bunch probibly too much, if I wasin’t bitching, moaning or complaining I was expressing ideas, philosophy and books I’ve read and learned from, but now only an ache of a voice comes out so I’m quiet, but strangely how I express myself has come out in other ways, I’ve started gardening, painting and obviously blogging.

What used to come out of my mouth in the past now seems to be coming out of my hands. Besides when I used to talk I believe no one ever listend.

I’ve even tried mosiac stuff in the garden. I guess it’s good to keep busy.

Here’s some of my paintings tell me what you think?

No way Jose, no shades of gray.

Even though the doctor said that my son might be retarted she was as wrong as anyone could be, my Cody was bright, charming and very intelligent, the only trouble was I think he saw no shades of gray in relationships, he gave no one any slack for their actions, situations were either black or white. His IQ levels were way above average.

He achieved a lot of recongnition for is intellect and determintation and that how he ended up at UC Berkeley one of the best collages in the USA.

OMG, I miss him so much, Jesus Christ help me.

Define Denial. Can’t you see?

: a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality .

Maybe I was in denial.

Cody was about six months old sitting in his swing watching sesame street one of his favorites. I remember how quiet he would be, my baby only cried for two reasons either because he was hungry or he needed a diaper change. I remember asking my mother if she thought he was too quiet and if so why.

She just told me that he was he taking in information and once he’s ready he’ll start making a bunch of noise.

I had forgotten what my mother had said and just excepted her answer, but soon after it was time to take Cody for his check up, I recall the doctor moving him around, poking and touching him and to my shock doctor Suzanne Levine said to me, “Christine your son is retarded”. I could feel the blood draining from my face and numbness seeping through my body.

Why do you say that doctor?, “can’t you see? I’m touching him and he doesn’t respond”.

At that point I was already divorced and living with my parents, I don’t know how I managed to get a taxi and go home in the state of mind I was in.

I held this information inside for three days wondering what I should do, I had fleeting thoughts of disappearing and moving far away, some where that my son would not be judged for this, some where that no one knew who we were so that he could be happy, so we could be happy.

After three days of holding back my feelings and worries about my son’s future I finally broke down and cried.

My father asked me “whats wrong and why are you crying”. gasping for breath I tell him what the doctor told me.

“Chris, don’t be ridiculous all white people think that Gypsy children are retarded, to us in our culture this is normal. Watch this”.

” Now a normal white baby will respond to the this song”. And I hear my father singing. “twinkle little star”. I see my baby’s not responding to this.

“Now watch when I sing a Gypsy song”. And my father claps his hands and sings and tune with a Greek type rhythm.

And now I see Cody bouncing and laughing and I feel relieved. Maybe he’s right Gypsy kids are different.

Double Jeopardy.

Define adore.

It’s when you have butterflies whenever you see a person yet you can be totally yourself around them and be so comfortable. At the same time though, you’re hoping they feel the same way about you and love you too. You adore being in their company and they can sometimes become an obsession.You trust them completely and would happily be with them forever. You’d do anything for that person and they’re all you think about from when you wake up to when you sleep.

It’s been a month since I’ve had my son, its November and there’s a slight chill in the air, fall is my favorite time of year and this year is the best fall ever because I’m a new mother.

It’s time for my Cody to get his first check up and some vaccination shots. We’re alone in NYC I’m thinking that I should feel sad that it’s just us, but actually I’m very happy.

I manage to hail a cab I think it’s going to be hard but I do it and now I’m sitting in the back of the taxi and I’m looking at him resting in my arms and I can smell the winter coming soon this is like a dream to me and I feel so content, its early evening and for the first time in my life I have someone to love and live for, he’s my inspiration and I find him fascinating.

Everything around us is falling apart, my marriage, my relationship with family and I don’t have two nickles to rub together, but I don’t care, I don’t know why, but for now nothing outside my son and I matter at all.

My husband is jealous of our new baby he tells me that I think only of the baby and not his needs, but at this point I’ve established in my mind that I hate this man I married I am only glad I did it because of this baby we’ve created,he

s served his purpose. I hate him because he smokes pot all day and watches porn, he’s never home and when he is he’s a very hateful self-centered son of a bitch. My parents hate my husband too’ ,they visited me once in the hospital and never returned or called again, I know that my parents are not normal, but as usual they’ve yet again found a good excuse for not behaving like normal parents claiming that they hate my husband and this is the cause. When they did come to visit me in the hospital I had three hundred dollars in my purse that my mother swiped thinking that if I have no money to buy the bare necessities I would come back to my them with the baby, but thank God my aunt came to the rescue and bought everything I needed and gave me some cash too’ till today I’m forever in her debt and would do anything for her or her family,my aunt Pinky was always there for me when I needed a mother. unfortunately my parents are also hateful selfish sons of bitches too’, they’re just like the pot calling the kettle black. I’m thinking that I have time, there’s time to get away for all this,I’ll get a plan together for us.

I need to be away from both of them, my husband and my parents. I just need to figure out how.

Pay back time. A Greek tragedy

I thought this was a good poem. who knows it might be what happened.

“Now, He didn’t give you that baby
No, not by a hundred thousand miles
He just thought you needed some sunshine
So. He lend him to ya for awhile.”

An excerpt from a story ‘bout a colored child’s funeral.

“And He let ya love and keep him
‘Til your hearts were big and grown
And these silver tears that your sheddin’
Why, they’re just interest on the loan.”

My son was finally born after a grueling pregnancy.

I remember how my grandmother used to talk about when she had my father that she had to wear a back brace for the longest time, she said it was a sign of the suffering my father would bring to her in the future and yes my father brought a lot of sorrow to the table for my grandparents, but even though I’ve suffering a hard pregnancy with my son it never dawned on me that this meant anything other than he was just too big and not easy to deliver considering that I’m petite in frame.

But then I had the dream that put the fear of God in me on the third day of my son Cody’s birth, it seemed to be a sign of what was to come.

I watched the history channel the other night and the ancient Greeks believed that when someone was very happy that it was a sign that tragedy would follow because true happiness was only meant for the Gods.

In my experience with life I could swear this is true.

My son’s heart beat is slowing down and I’m in agony.

The pain continues on.

For the next two days I’m still suffering from the labor,I never knew that anyone could actually vomit from pain, but I am vomiting from the pain and every time the labor pains come I feel as though my back is going to break, I think he’s pushing his feet on my spine I have no idea what’s going on and the drugs are not helping and they can’t give me anything stronger because it will affect the baby.

My doctor comes in and he can hear my baby’s heart rate slowing down and does a C-section immediatly.I’ve been screaming fo two days now to get it out of me, the nurse gives me a look like there’s something wrong with me for calling the baby it, but I can’t help it, I feel like I’m being killed slowly.

Uh,he’s finally come out, Oh thank God. I can hear them cleaning him up and trying to get him to cry, I wait I hear nothing I think to myself that too long a time is passing by and then suddenly I hear him, I hear my baby boy crying, Oh my God what a relief I can hear my baby’s raspy voice. Jesus it sound like a munchkin version of his father’s voice.

The Doctors can see I’m in too much pain to hold my son, so they hand him to my mother and I say OMG he’s a human peach in my voice that sounds like a half-broken whisper.

I can hear a nurse saying he’s nine pounds and eight ounces.

And the pain continues.

Until death do us part . My son’s bio father. A brief discription

Facet 1: Interpersonal

Glibness/superficial charm
Grandiose sense of self-worth
Pathological lying
Cunning/manipulative
Facet 2: Affective

Lack of remorse or guilt
Emotionally shallow
Callous/lack of empathy
Failure to accept responsibility for own actions
Facet 3: Lifestyle

Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom
Parasitic lifestyle
Lack of realistic, long-term goals
Impulsiveness
Irresponsibility
Facet 4: Antisocial

Poor behavioral controls
Early behavioral problems
Juvenile delinquency
Revocation of conditional release
Criminal versatility.
Many short-term marital relationships
Promiscuous sexual behavior.

I stayed married to this man for a little over a year, I was young and had no idea that this was the real issue. They say that many people fall into the trap of this sort in my case I was especially vulnerable, but had it not been for this mad man I would have never had my son, my baby genius who suffered from sharing such a strange mix of genes, His father and I were exact opposites and he was exactly like the both of us. Each characteristic fighting with itself to the death.

Ladies and Gentleman I would like to introduce my son Cody Johnson and his friend Pepper in a talent show at UC Berkeley

Published on Nov 26, 2012

「ペッパー警部」~ピンクレディー
UC Berkeley Summer 2012: Talent Show

This is a tribute to Mr. Cody Johnson, who was one of the best students in Japanese courses in 2011-2012

Most days I feel he’s just not gone especially when I see this video.He certainly doesn’t seem depressed at all,  maybe it was just an accident?. I really don’t trust goverment body’s as far as I can throw them, I have good cause to doubt things they claim in general.

The last letter I sent to my son so he would come out of his dorm and see me.

Gotta love family. They help make us who we are. Sure they’re quirky, annoying and frustrating at times – if only everyone was as perfect as we are, right? Disagreements are a normal part of the family dynamic. I don’t think you can have that many people interacting, each with their own personalities, values and experiences and get along 100% of the time.
What is really harmful to families, and any relationship for that matter, is the inability to see past these differences, these unique ways and reconcile. It’s our pride that gets in the way most of the time. The feeling to prove that we were right and they were wrong. But when you both dig your heals in and decide not to budge no one ever wins. As I’ve said before life is various shades of gray.
When family feuds or disagreements between friends are left unresolved they often turn into years of bitterness, resentment and unhappiness. You may think you’re fine with your decision to cut these people out of your life but what happens when you see them again?
Does your heart race? Do you get anxious and nervous? Do you think about what you’ll say or if you’ll just ignore them completely?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you’re not okay with the current situation.
There is a small part of you that remains unhappy or hurt, but for what? For the ability to stay true to the fact that you think you’re right? Or is it because if you back down you’ll be telling the other person “okay you win you were right”?
I’ll tell you now either way it’s ridiculous.
Reconciliation is not easy, but it’s worth it and so long as the person is still living and breathing, it’s never too late.
It’s important to understand why you want to reconcile, what are your motives behind wanting to contact your friend or family member? If it’s to rehash old hurts and carry on fighting then it’s best to leave it for a while. If it’s to forgive, reestablish a connection and make your mind, heart and soul happy, I believe these are good reasons and you should go ahead.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself before you decide to reconcile.
1. What were we arguing over? If you can’t remember it likely wasn’t worth ruining your relationship over and it’s definitely time to make amends. If you do remember …
2. Was it worth it? Was the argument worth ruining your relationship over? Look at all that you have missed out on, holidays, birthdays, special events, summer BBQs, graduations, marriages, new babies, support from your family or friends etc …
3. Can you honestly let it go? Lying to yourself here will only hurt you, so be really honest. If you are still hanging on to old grudges and can’t see beyond the “yeah but what she did was wrong” it’s not the best time to approach the other person. Work on trying to reduce your pride or subdue you ego a bit before moving forward. Move beyond establishing blame and drawing lines in the sand and focus on caring about the person. They are someone you once had a relationship with, you obviously cared about them and enjoyed being around them before. Focus on the good from that time.
How to facilitate reconciliation
1. Start small. Once you decided to move forward and start the reconciliation process start with a simple contact. It can be as small as sending a handwritten note or picking up the phone. This initial contact will set the tone for how this whole thing will play out so be sure you’ve thought it through and that you don’t go in hostile, defensive or aggressive. Start with why you’re contacting them and what you hope to get out of it.
2. Own your part. You have to be able to see that even though you think you haven’t done anything wrong and it’s all their fault – they are thinking the exact same thing. Be objective. Try to see how any of your actions or words may have been misconstrued. If you in all honesty can’t see anything wrong with how you’ve behaved or can’t see how anything you’ve done could have been taken the wrong way, ask. Yes it’s that simple. Tell them you are willing to take ownership of your part in this but you are really at a loss for what it is you’ve done. Be sincere. Be receptive and let them speak.
3. Be specific. If you know what part of this you need to own up to say so and be specific. An apology of “I’m sorry for what happened 3 years ago” doesn’t cut it. Lay it all out there get it out in the open. If you do you’ll open the lines of communication and really get it going. You’ve likely changed as a person since your altercation, maybe you’ve matured, learned to manage your anger, or have become more accepting of people and they quirky ways. It’s okay to admit in hindsight you were a little rude, aggressive, hurtful, stubborn etc … and express remorse for having let it go on for so long.
4. This is about you. Remember that this is about you. Not everyone is at the same point on the path to forgiveness, so while you’re ready to let it go and move on with things the other person may still be feeling “I’m right and he’s wrong”. If that’s the situation you’re facing keep focusing on you. Do what you have to do to be true to yourself. If you can walk away feeling that you’ve done what you can to mend things but the other person isn’t interested then I’m afraid you’re going to have to leave it. For now. There really is only so much you can do and you can’t control anyone else no matter how hard you want it to work out.
5. Rebuild. Once you have everything out on the table and have heard and acknowledged the other persons feelings, perspectives, and hurts it’s time to start rebuilding that relationship. This may be awkward at first and require a lot of hard work. Regaining trust can be tough and may take a long time. Start small and keep moving forward – do not revisit the past. If you’re at this point, the past should be resolved. Meet for a coffee, invite them over for lunch or out to dinner. Go to a movie or relax at home. If they’ve missed out on a lot take some time to fill them in. Talk about what’s been going on in your life and get interested in what’s going on in theirs.
The hardest part of reconciliation is finding a place to start. If you can visualize the future and imagine what your relationship could potentially look like (no anxiety, stress, wondering what to say when you eventually cross paths) it could be the motivation you need to get going. Don’t wait for the other person to make the first move. They may never have the courage to approach you and they may feel that you’ll never forgive them anyway so what’s the point.
Of course there are those relationships where reconciliation may be completely out of the question. If you are faced with one of these then work on yourself. Forgiveness is a choice not some feeling that will one day wash over you – even when it comes to forgiving yourself. Work through what you are responsible for being careful not to take on blame for things that were out of your control or that were clearly the choices or actions of someone else.
It’s not easy admitting you were wrong and apologizing for what hurt you’ve caused but it’s worth it. With the holidays fast approaching consider reaching out to someone you’ve been at odds with for whatever reason and try to make amends. It could make the new year all that more enjoyable.

Sent from my iPhone

A picture is worth a thousand words.

I see the pictures of the times we had together. The holidays,water skiing, pics with santa clause and so much more. All of it shows happy memories and a good life.

To tell the truth that’s just how I remember it. of course it wasn’t perfect,I do remember some money problems,legal problems and yes the death of my sister.Its true it all came in at once but there were more good times than bad, lots more.I believed we were happy and we were, the proof is in the pictures.

I would have hoped that he would have clinged to that, but in looking at all the pictures I see a happy family,

After seeing those photos again, yet again I can’t really blame myself the pictures show it all,all of the things that I cannot put into words..

This only leads me to believe that we as a family did play a part in this tragic ending if we did it was a very small part.